- Unless your husband’s self-pleasure routine is directly affecting your sex life with him, it’s not a problem.
- According to therapist Rachel Wright, masturbation is a healthy sexual outlet and it shouldn’t be associated with shame.
- If you do find that your husband’s masturbation is impeding on your sex life, you need to talk to him about how it makes you feel.
I keep catching my husband masturbating, typically at night. It’s gotten to the point that I catch him doing it so often, I think he’s masturbating more than we’re having sex with each other.
Is this something I should be concerned about?
– Oregon
Dear Oregon,
Although it can be jarring to catch your partner mid-masturbation, the frequency of his self-pleasure sessions shouldn’t necessarily be cause for concern.
We’re raised, especially as women, to view masturbation as a shameful act, but in reality, masturbation, like sex, has plenty of health benefits. In fact, as long as your husband’s sessions don’t become a substitute for your sex life, it really doesn’t matter how often he’s doing it.
As New York City-based relationship therapist Rachel Wright told me, you should reflect on whether you’re personally happy with the sex life you and your husband have, outside of his masturbation routine. If you are happy with the frequency of the sex you’re having together, the times he goes it solo shouldn’t be a problem.
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I know it can feel like his desire for alone time, especially if it involves porn, means that he doesn’t enjoy the sex you two have, but that probably isn’t the case. For both women and men, masturbation is a normal and healthy part of life that helps with stress relief and feeling connected with your own body.
It’s quite possible that your husband has a high sex drive and, for him, masturbating is a way to experience the physical release he craves, Wright told me. “It’s actually quite normal. Men physiologically need to have a physical release and they feel actual pressure to ejaculate,” Wright said.
Masturbation aside, if you’re happy with your relationship otherwise, Wright suggested journaling about your insecurities and talking with your friends who may be able to quell your worries.
“Ask them, ‘Does your partner do this? This is what I’m experiencing,'” Wright said. “It’s really important to have friends that you can talk to about that stuff. It’s not s–t talking your partner.”
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If you have been feeling less connected to him lately, here are some tips for a constructive conversation
On the other hand, if you’ve noticed that your husband’s habit has correlated with feeling less connected to him physically or emotionally, you should set aside time to talk it out with him. Obviously the conversation will be an awkward one, but if you frame it in the context of how you’ve been feeling personally, rather than blaming your husband’s actions or making blanket statements, he’ll be open to hearing your thoughts.
Wright suggested saying something like, “I’ve felt a lack in our sex life, and I’ve also noticed that you’ve been masturbating every day when I come home from work. I don’t know if those two things are correlated but I’d like to talk with you about it because the thing that’s most important to me is our connection.”
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As the conversation unfolds, you can work together to decide if you should be having sex more frequently than you currently are, or if you need to spend more quality time together outside of the bedroom to work on your emotional bond and put an end to the insecurities you’re feeling.
No matter what you decide to do as a couple, remember that masturbation is nothing more than self-pleasure and exploration, and who wouldn’t want that to be part of their life with their partner?